Mummy

Its been 2 weeks after my 40th birthday... I still wonder what "mummy" meant to the kids..  The one came out from my tummy..  My flesh and blood...  I am now still wonder do i mean anything to them or just a name stated in their birth certificate..  Or just someone they called mummy and contact me whenever they need help...

How i felt so sad and dissapointed at the same time, to those people who raised them but not educate them what mother meant to them...  I may have no right over them but i m the one who gave birth to them... And always trying to capture their heart tho i almost gave up...

The day that i realized i am nothing to them...  Just a person who gave birth to them...  I am Redha to watever has been planned..  May be this is for their  own good...  But never for a second, they are not in my mind..  I m still waiting for them to wish my belated birthday tho i know..  They never knew when is my birthday...  They dont even bother, the name "Afdzaliza Ratini" and the details in their birth  certificates is their mother...

How i am torn into pieces until today, that in the future whos going to pray for me when i die...  The sons that i have, may not know i die either... Dear god,  give me strenght for me not to ever stop loving them..  Not to ever stop praying for them..  I know your planned is beyond expectation.. And thats for the best of all.....

Dear my babies..  Yusuf,  Adam and Harris...  Please know this...  Mummy luv 3 of u so much and Insya Allah, it will never faded and it will never stop.... Till my last breath till i die till jannah...  Insya Allah

Your mummy

Akibat...

Akibat sayang kau mempercayai
Kau beri sejuta rasa sekeping hati
Akibat cinta kau dikhianati
Padahnya pada aku yang tak mungkin ditepis

Akibat kau yang yakin
Akibat aku yang cuai
Akibat kau yang tiada halangan
Akibat aku yang terlalu bodoh
Akibat kau yang aku harapkan
Akibat aku yang terlalu memberi harapan
Padahnya...  Lihatlah peperangan yang bakal menimpa

Akibatnya pasti aku yang akan salah
Akibatnya pasti aku yang akan gundah
Akibatnya pasti aku yang akan gila
Akibatnya pasti aku yang akan kecewa
Akibatnya pasti aku yang akan merana
Akibatnya pasti aku yang akan dihina
Akibatnya pasti aku yang akan disingkirkan
Akibatnya pasti aku yang akan dipulaukan
Akibatnya pasti aku yang akan dilempar jauh
Dan yang pastinya
Akibat salah dan kebodohan aku masa lampau
Aku rela terima padahnya............

Independent

I am an independent woman who started to do things on her own since she was 18 yrs old... Before that, i am anak bapak.. Never know how to cook or do house chores.. Never even ironing my baju sekolah or even do my bfast.. Never ever tolong mak kat dapuq or even potong2 sayuq... She is the one lucky girl who only wakes up in the morning, eat nasi lemak.. Go to tuisyen bapak hantaq and amik.. And all i did just study... Tp x la jd best student pun.. But my point is... I am not as who i am now ....

The first time keluar dari rumah when i was 17 yrs old.. Going to college right after SPM.. Dont even have time to lompat2 have fun jlan2 or keja kilang hahahaha... What my parent thought was just sudying... Bapak suh amik course IT & accounting masa tu.. College masa tu EDI dekat Taman Melawati.. From that moment, kena belajaq basuh bj lipat sendiri... Beli makan and everything sendiri... 6 months there... Honestly, i still not managing myself well... But ada progress la...

On July 1997, i flew to UK, studying at Univ Of Wales College Newport Majoring in IT Technology Engineering... There i learnt to cook.. To survive.. I became a very good cook till now. I got married at young age, 19 yrs old to be exact and yes... I managed to be the most independent girl...

Point is... Being in a state of surviving thru anything sumtime made me ignore other peoples help... Its not to say ignoring but i strongly refused... Try not to coz I will feel like i am the burden to those who offer to help.. Especially those who is so dear to me.. But up to some point, i really really desperate for their help.. And i am very gratefull for the help and support and care and thank you for honestly ikhlas doing this for me without asking for anything in return.. Except for my well being and happiness... I am truly from bottom of my heart feeling soooooo gratefull and blessed....thank you again...

I forgot the maon reason why i wrote this.. Hahahahah
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Oh yaaaa.. As people all know, i am a person who has a lot of sickness... Throught my years, i have been sick most of the time.. Even when i was little... I did everything myself.. Go to see doctors.. Do the check up.. Do the test and all... Yes i know i ma a very strong woman.. Hehe

But, at some point, when the fear haunted me.. I kept thinking.. What if somebody i waiting for me until my test done.. Would that be a relieve... But on the second thought... Why would u wasted few hours waiting for me to do the test or watever procedures.. There is so many other things u can do.. Thats my point of view of why i do not let anyone come with me during my check up and all.. Even warded sekalipun... But, tipu la if i said i am not happy or bless if someone so dear to me would wait for me patiently.... Hehe.. But again, yes... I am ok to do it alone...

So, thank you to those who have been with me thru my happy and sad time.. My ups and downs... My healthy and sickness time... Thank you so much.... Only Allah swt could grant u the pahala dan ganjaran nya... Thank you again...

Ok... Tak sampai sebenarnya apa yg nak di sampaikan... But all i wanna is i could do it myself... Dont worry, i ll survive... But if u r with me.. By my side..... Thank you sooooo much... I really appreciate it....

Xoxo

Muahssssss

Perasaan

Pernah tak bila orang tny soalan kita terkedu tak dapat nak jawab?

Ok kita tukar soalan tu sikit..

Pernah tak bila org tny soalan kita terkedu tak dapat jawab sebab kita tak ingat?

Or

Pernah tak bila org tny soalan kita terkedu tak dapat jawab sebab kita tak ingat mcmana perasaan or keadaan kita masa tu?

Or

Pernah tak bila org tny soalan kita terkedu tak dapat jawab sebab kita tak ingat dan org kata kita tipu?

Or

Pernah tak bila org tny soalan kita terkedu tak dapat jawab sebab kita tak ingat dan org kata kita tipu pasai apa yang jadi or apa yang kita rasa masa tu?

I get these questions and any related questions a lot. From friends, relative, familu even from my love one...

Truth is, i cant really answer all those with confident.

Why???

Coz i hardly remember or recall how it felt those days. Coz i really dont know the answer and its break my heart whenever i cant answer, that person sort off teasing me and macam tak percaya ja... And even shredded my heart in pieces, when they are the person who knew how i am and how is my condition...

And....

Yes, tho people say they understand, but when it comes to those questions or even when they have doubt,  they totally forgot that you had that "penyakit" ....

So, live with it... Thats the challenges i have to overcome..... Its hard to find someone who really really understand and always alert their mind that i have that mental illness...

Ok...

Dobi nak habis dah... Bb da lama nak tulia but dont know where to start.. Macam biasa i have a lot in mind... But it just burried there.......

Have a good weekend peeps..

Xoxo

Aku dan Aku

Aku sedih bukan kerana aku meraguimu
Aku sedih bukan kerana kesetiaanmu
Aku sedih bukan kerana cinta sejatimu
Aku sedih bukan kerana kaaih sayangmu

Tapi
Aku sedih kerana aku terlalu mencintai
Aku sedih kerana aku terlalu menyayangi
Aku sedih kerana aku sangsi dengan diriku
Aku sedih kerana aku tidak yakin dengan diriku
Aku sedih kerana makin aku sangsi makin banyak yang aku ketahui
Aku sedih kerana aku takut kehilanganmu
Aku sedih kerana aku takut kehilangan aku
Aku sedih kerana aku benci diriku
Aku sedih kerana dalam hatiku punya satu tanda tanya
Aku sedih kerana hatiku terlalu rapuh
Aku sedih kerana hatiku terlalu mempercayai

Kini
Aku semakin sedih bila aku perlu yakini semula hati ini
Aku semakin Sedih bila aku tak pasti apa yang sudah aku tahu
Aku semakon sedih bila aku sendiri meragui segalanya yg ada dalam diriku.....

Cuma yang aku pasti...
Aku tidak pernah sedih mengenangkan betapa banyaknya cinta ku padamu
Aku tidak pernah sedih menyakini diriku yang aku cuma satu dalam hidupmu...
Kerna aku tahu...  Cintamu hebat dimataku,  dihatiku dan dijiwaku....

Aku cuma aku...  Seorang wanita berhati rapuh..  Retak waktu di rentap jatuh....  Itulah aku yang sememangnya kau tahu................

-the end-